n00bs r U

Two minutes pass. You remain perfectly still, listening intently to your surroundings. You hear the faint whirling of chopper blades in the distance, but you pay no mind; it's moving in the other direction.

You inch forward toward the edge of the hill, making sure to stick closely to a large boulder to your left. Your guille suit blends in well with the surrounding foliage, but you still make an effort to move slowly and not bring attention to yourself or your position. Below you in a small valley lays a compound covering no more than an acre of land. Through the scope of your sniper rifle, you take note of a lone soldier leaning against a supply crate stacked next to a helipad. After a quick scan of the rest of the area, you set your sights on the soldier once again. He had crouched down behind the crate to tie his boot.

A bead of sweat trickles down your forehead and drops onto your nose, but you ignore the sensation and wait siletly and patiently for the soldier to stand back up. He does. You take a deep breath and put your finger on the trigger of your rifle. You begin to pull the trigger, but stop at the sound of a jeep roaring up the hill, it's horn beeping loudly and its occupant screaming at you to hop in. Trying to ignore the jeep, you peer back through your scope. The soldier down below picked up his weapon and began to look in your direction. Idiot, you mutter to yourself as you crawl slowly backwards and away from the hill's edge.

The jeep comes to screeching halt at the top of the hill and beeps loudly at you. The driver, your squad leader, yells at you to hop in and continues bashing the horn with his fist. You grit your teeth and look back down toward the compound only to see the soldier raise his weapon and begin to fire. You curse under your breath, quickly move back to the hill's edge, aim and fire, taking the soldier down with the first shot. Your squad leader, oblivious to the fact that he had just blown your cover, continues to shout at you and beep the horn.

You begin to stand up, but stop at the sound of chopper blades. Looking over your shoulder, you are shocked to find a Chinese WZ-10 attack helicopter racing toward your position. The soldier must have radioed in your position. Or the helipcopter heard the incessant beeping of the jeep's horn. You quickly forget the ignorance of your squad leader and jump into the back of the jeep, mounting the .50 caliber machine gun in the back. You open fire at the chopper, but the driving skills of your squad leader leaves something to be desired. You weave wildly, making it impossible to hit anything. You keep firing despite the lack of accuracy, hoping that a stray bullet might force the chopper to veer off for repairs. You have no such luck. The chopper's gunner blasts the area around you with a barrage of 20mm rounds. The gunfire did a good deal of damage to the jeep, but the driver finished it off by veering sharply to left and colliding with a massive oak tree.

Shaking off the disorientation, you quickly jump out of the jeep, not really caring at that point that your squad leader is running in the opposite direction you are. You do pause for a moment, however, and watch as he runs out in the middle of the roadway and screams something about "haxs!" before being cut down by the chopper's gunner. You turn and run deeper into the wooded area, feeling somewhat less annoyed by the crash because it had put you beneath the trees and out of the view of the WZ-10.

Moving quickly between the large trees, you hear the crackle of a radio coming from behind you. A Chinese voice barked an order and gunfire splintered the branches above your head. You quickly dive down to the ground, but you're not equipped to fight a close range battle. You reach down and grab the pistol holstered on your waist and find a large tree to hide behind. Bullets rip apart the tree's trunk, but a lull in the fire a moment later provides you with an opportunity to fire off several shots and make a dash for a building a little ways off.

You nearly make it to the building unscathed, but a sharp pain in your leg forces you to fall down. Fortunately, you manage to fall to your right and land just behind the wall of the building. You're injured badly, but you manage to free a grenade from your supply belt and toss around the corner of the building. A blast a few seconds later and the accompanying scream let you know you found your mark and are hopefully safe.

You grab your radio and yell "Medic!" but receive no response. You groan and remember that one of your squad members is a medic. You call out for a medic on your squad channel and a receive an acknowledgement. A moment later, a jeep pulls next to the building which you are laying by and the driver beeps the horn. A soldier jumps out of the back and looks at you. It's the medic. You look at him. He stares back. "Um... medic?" He stares at you blankly, raises his weapon and looks at you again through the iron sights. He crouches down and stands back up a few times. You call for him again, but he doesn't respond. Instead, he puts his weapon down, draws his combat knife, steps back a few ways and pretends to stab at you. You sigh, debate shooting the buffoon, then decide it's better to just get in the jeep. The driver is still beeping at you and yelling "Get in! Hop in! Let's go!"

You do as your told and climb into the jeep, surprised to see your medic teammate filing in behind you. Apparently he DOES listen and respond to commands. Just not yours.

The jeep drives away from the building and down a small road. You realize you're heading back toward the nearest allied outpost and decide the driver is the only sane member of your squad. You lean back to relax, but notice a pack of C4 explosives stuck to the door of the jeep. In your haste to get in the jeep, you had failed to notice this. Another pack lay in the middle of the hood. Aw geez, you groan and despite the injury to your leg, you jump out of the jeep.

Sure enough, a few moments later, the jeep encounters a Chinese tank and rams into it. The driver detonated the C4, destroyed the jeep, himself, and the buffoon of a medic that was riding in the back. The commander of your entire unit called out over the radio and said something about teamkilling, but you're too busy grabbing the now-crispy medic's gear and administering first aid to yourself to pay any attention. Finally, you feel better and, having grabbed the medic's gun, are now better able to defend yourself in a close range fight.

To your luck, a small, but quick, buggy parachuted down toward your location. You look up and spot a supply plane zooming away and perform some maneuvers to evade the WZ-10 attack chopper. You say a silent thanks to your unit commander for recognizing your situation and doing something to help. The buggy lands and you detach the parachute. It fires right up once you jump in and you rev the engine a few times before racing down the road. You look behind you and shake your head at the charred remains of the Chinese tank, your former jeep, and flame-broiled squadmates.

Listening in to the radio chatter, you determine that the battle is going well, but one last stronghold remains. You stop a few times on your way to the last remaining enemy encampment, picking up two more allied troops to aid your cause. You pass an allied tank and see a Cobra attack chopper hovering overhead.

Finally!

Order! People working together.

Your sniper position was compromised, your squad leader had failed his drivers' test, your local medic was nothing short of a high school dropout on LSD, and your second jeep driver was a pyromaniac with a death wish.

The attack on the final Chinese base commences and chaos ensues. There's a good 20 minutes of intense battle, but when the smoke finally clears, your unit has emerged victorious. You have cleared out the remaining Chinese, save for one, lone soldier. The combined forces of your unit sweep the area, but come up empty. You call for an Unmanned Aerial Vehicle which can give you a bird's eye view of the area, but your commander doesn't respond. A moment later he calls over to the radio, letting you know he found the enemy and had dealt with him... with an artillery barrage. He failed to mention that the Chinese man was still in your immediate vicinity.

Artillery rounds rained down on top of you and your allies and as everything fades to black, you manage to grab your radio and utter a single word.

"Noob."

I wrote this story because it was very close to an experience I had while playing Battlefield 2, the online PC FPS. Don't be a smacktard, kiddies. Don't be noobs. My squad was a group of unintelligent oafs. My commander was a teamkilling glory hog. Every time I asked for ammo or medic help, I either received no response or the person that could provide one or the other stared at me, his mouth slightly ajar, and drool dripping down his chin.

Don't whine about hacks. They aren't hacking, you just suck. Don't stand there like an idiot when someone near you needs help. Don't drive into trees. Don't drive for that matter. Don't load up your jeep with C4, ask for people to jump in, and then ram it into the side of a tank. Yes, you blow up the tank, but you teamkill the 4 saps that were stupid enough to get in with you.

Play the game. Have fun. Don't be a noob. We are watching. We are blogging.